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Pretend No More
I remember it like it was yesterday, every single second, every breath, every tiny sensation carved so deep into my soul that I can close my eyes right now and feel it all over again. That Christmas morning changed everything inside me. It lit a fire that has never gone out, not for one single day since. It’s the reason I’m sitting here at eighteen, still a virgin, but so fucking obsessed with sex that it’s the only thing I think about from the moment I wake up until the second I finally pass out at night.
It was one of those perfect cold, snowy Christmas mornings where the whole world outside felt wrapped in silence and magic. The air smelled like pine needles and cinnamon and fresh-baked cookies that Grandma had pulled out of the oven just an hour earlier. We were at our grandparents’ house, the old wooden one just one street away from ours. Ivy and I had spent the entire morning on the living-room floor, surrounded by huge cardboard boxes overflowing with the homemade ornaments we made every single year. Glitter was everywhere, glue sticks, colored construction paper, ribbons, little bells, tiny plastic stars. My fingers were sticky, my knees hurt from kneeling so long, but I didn’t care. I was happy just being there with her, laughing, competing over who could make the prettiest snowflake.
When we finally hung the last ornament on the tree and stepped back to admire our work, it was time to head home. Ivy grabbed my hand like she always did when we walked together. The snow crunched under our boots as we stepped outside. The cold bit at my cheeks, but her hand was warm. She leaned in close, her breath making little clouds in the air, and whispered in that special voice she only used when she had something huge to tell me:
“You know what I found out?”
My heart slammed against my ribs. Something new. Something secret. Something that felt dangerous even though I couldn’t explain why. My whole body tingled with excitement I didn’t have a name for yet.
“I found out how babies are made.”
And then she told me. She told me everything. She didn’t hold back one single detail. She described exactly how a man and a woman do it – how the man’s penis gets hard and slides deep inside the woman’s vagina, how they move together, how it feels, how the sperm shoots out and meets the egg inside her, how the baby starts growing in her belly. She used words I had never heard before, but the way she said them made my face burn and my stomach twist in the most incredible way. She explained the wetness, the thrusting, the moaning, the way bodies fit together perfectly. She made it sound like the dirtiest, most magical thing in the entire universe. I stopped walking right there in the middle of the snowy street, eyes wide, mouth open, hanging on every single word that left her lips. My little mind was spinning so fast I could barely breathe. I didn’t fully understand it yet, but I knew I needed to know more. I needed to feel it. I needed it more than anything I had ever wanted in my life.